


Better With You

by AZNKIM



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Comic)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:17:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7885324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AZNKIM/pseuds/AZNKIM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Revan unexpectedly leaves Carth, telling him she can't bring him with her? How can the both of them figure out a way to save the Republic and find their way back to each other without destroying everything they had together in the process? Revan fights between who she was, and who she is becoming. Fem Revan/Carth pairing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Memory

**Author's Note:**

> So these two are my new obsession. I have played KOTOR... I don't even know how many times, and it kills me that fem Revan and Carth don't have an ending! Hope you like it :) Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter One**

Damn that ship. Damn that woman. Damn everything!

 It’s been four years, four years and she still wasn’t back. She still hadn’t contacted me or anyone else, and I still didn’t know if she was dead or alive. All my research to try and find her, all my attempts at finding that stupid ship and finding nothing time after time was beyond frustrating. Then after four years that damn ship lands on my command center, only not with the woman it left with. Four years and I still love her like I did the moment she left me.

_“You can’t come with me Carth…” She said to me, standing over the bed we kept, the room we had, the place we shared._

_“Dammit Revan don’t do this! Don’t push me away, don’t shut me out…” I probably sounded more mad than hurt, but she had to know she was crushing me. I got up from the bed, holding the sheets to my lower body, and walked over to the other side of the room where she stood, ready to leave._

_“I don’t want to. Please know I don’t want to do this but where I’m going, I can’t take the people I love with me… Not Bastila, not Mission, not anyone, not even you… I need to do this on my own Carth.”_

_I loved and hated this frustrating woman. She was so strong, but so vulnerable at the same time, even though she didn’t think I noticed. I noticed everything about her. And I noticed how she couldn’t even look me in the eyes as she told me goodbye, or how her voice didn’t sound as strong as she was trying to make it._

_“I need you to stay here Carth. I need you to keep the Republic strong while I’m gone. They need you more than ever. Even with the Sith retreating, there are still hardships ahead they will need your guidance on.”_

_Knowing there wouldn’t be much more time with her, I didn’t waste any time closing the distance between us and pulling her into me as I kissed her with all the passion I had in me. She responded instantly, her body naturally melting into mine. Her lips were always soft but the way she kissed me, with all the passion and forcefulness made me instantly want to possess and take all of her right then and there. Both my hands snaked greedily over her curves and up to her neck, pulling her even more into me. Then, as sudden as the moment began I felt her push me away and walk out the door…_

I walked over to my desk in my office and slumped down in the chair, letting my tense body lean back for some minor relief. I looked over all the pictures I had scattered on desk around the screen. Dustil and I together when I found him after the war, Mission and I at her graduation, and the crew of the Ebon Hawk all together after getting our medals for our part in the war. How long could I do this? How long could I go on day by day, going through the motions of my life but never really living it?

Everyone told me a long time ago that I should just assume the worst, assume that she wasn’t coming back… But I told her I would never give up on her, and after all the promises I let slip over the years, I was not throwing in the towel on this one. Not with her.

If I let myself ever be completely honest with myself… I let her go. She walked away from me, from everything we had built and were in the process of building together, but I watched her leave. I didn’t run after her and make her take me with her, or think of a clever plan to follow her. If I was completely honest, it was partly my fault I was in this position without her.

All I could hold onto now was the hope that The Exile would find her, find her and tell her that I’m waiting, that I’d always be waiting… For her.

“Admiral. Can I confirm take off for the Ebon Hawk from our docking bay?” I heard Dustil say through my com unit. “Take off confirmed Lieutenant.” There was a moment of silence before Dustil replied in a hushed tone, “Are you alright Dad?” I couldn’t help but smile at the question despite the mood I was in. My son and I had come a long way since finding him at the Sith base on Korriban, thanks to Revan. She gave me a second chance at being a father, and every day I watched my son grow into the man he was today, I was even more grateful.

“Just keep everything running smoothly for me okay Dustil?” I responded back to him. I knew that he knew I was hurting again over her but I was not going to put my issues on him, he had enough going on as it was with being at my side, running the command ship. “Affirmative Sir”.

I heard the docking bay doors open a moment later and I walked over to the window in my office to see the tail end of the Ebon Hawk take off into hyperdrive to its next destination. Then I allowed myself to completely break down and drown out the rest of the world.

 

_“Someone help me. Cause’ the memory convinced itself to tear me apart. This is endless…”_


	2. I Miss You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Two**

 

                Another bar, another drink, another night spent feeling like a waste of space. It had been over four years since I left everything I cared about behind in the dust. Four years and I still felt like shit about the whole thing. The bar was a dump as usual; only the scum, runaways and thugs came and hung out here. Not safe by any means for someone who didn’t know how to handle themselves, luckily I did.

I could feel my double-bladed lightsaber tight against my leg in its holster, my grenades hidden in my left inside pocket of my jacket, and the mini viroblade tucked into my tall boots. I was always prepared for anything, at any time. When there was more enemies looking for me than I could count without losing track, I had to be more than ready.

“Hey good lookin’… That jacket looks a little big for you, if you’re really that cold, I could always warm you up.” I heard the guy say to me as he slid into the seat next to mine at the bar. “Not really here for your bantha fodder. I suggest you take your offer somewhere else, unless you want to meet my good friend…” I turned my body slightly towards him and flashed my lightsaber. His eyes got wide and took the hint that I wasn’t worth the trouble. I straightened myself back out and reached for my drink. It was stronger than I usually preferred, but I enjoyed the feeling as it burned down my throat.

“How long are we going to keep doing this Rev” I heard one of my crew mates say from behind me. “As long as it takes Jariinn…” I responded bleakly. “So you mean until your dead? Cause the way I’ve been seeing it for the past 3 years, you aren’t going to get any better!” If I didn’t love him so damned much, I would have killed him right then and there. But Jariin was my best friend, and despite his useless attempts at talking to me about this issue, I needed him.

I swung myself around the stool to face him, his stance defensive and arms crossed across his chest. He wore his usual body armour, dark navy blue all the way down, black combat boots, and his long black coat he wore when he was trying not to attract attention to himself. As usual every woman in the damn bar was looking at him, no matter how much he tried to draw attention away from himself, he couldn’t hide the fact that he was very good looking. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall but lean and muscular, tanned skin tone, every woman’s dream.

“Don’t look at me like that Rev. You know don’t fool me. Every time we finish a job, you go find the best shithole to drown yourself in, wearing that damn ratty orange jacket!” I needed to get us out of here before people started to pay too much attention to our conversation and how we looked. I stood up from the barstool and walked passed Jariin to the exit. I could hear his footsteps following closely behind me.

“Have you lost your head Jariin?! You can’t pull that kind of bantha fodder out in the open like that! Are you trying to get us killed? We have enough trouble going around as it is without someone who is after me trying to track us down.” I could see him calm down slightly at the realization of the situation. “I’m sorry Captain. But I just can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore. You should go back, sort everything out…”

I thought about it about a million times, going back, running to him… Then I thought about who I was now, what I’ve done and all the enemies I had coming for my head. I couldn’t lead that back home, I couldn’t put him or anyone else in danger. “I didn’t ask you to come with me. You were supposed to stay on the ship, with the crew getting ready for takeoff.” I began walking down the dark ally, taking back way shortcuts leading to my ship.

“You’ve done more than enough for everyone else, I think it’s time you start doing something for you” he said back to me, following me closely. Jariin was like a bodyguard when he was with me, always prepared to die fighting to protect me, no matter how many times I tried to leave him behind since meeting him. Our paths crossed while I was doing a mission on some backwater planet, he’s been loyal to me ever since, always finding me after I would leave without telling him. That’s how it was with my whole crew really, strong and loyal to the end of the line.

I was so deep in my thoughts that it was too late by the time I noticed a dark figure come out from the darkness. I reached for my lightsaber, but the figure kicked at my right leg and I felt my knee give out and the saber pop out from its holster and roll on the ground away from my reach.

I back flipped away from the figure and could see Jariin struggling with the 3 figures on him. It was only a moment that our eyes connected and we both knew what was coming, then everything went dark and the last thought I had was “I’m sorry Carth…”

 

_“I wish I could see you again. I know that I can’t.”_


	3. The Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Three**

 

                _Six months after the departure of The Exile._

 

“Admiral Onasi. We have an incoming ship on our radar, from what I can tell it’s a Republic ship” I walked over to the radar system in the Command Deck, and could see the radar of one small ship coming into orbit of the Command Station. “Let’s allow boarding but keep security tight. I don’t want any casualties if we’re wrong.”

I immediately informed Dustil of the situation and left to go down to the docking bay. Things had been fairly quiet on the Sith front, but I knew never to let my guard down. Just because we had been diminishing their number greatly, didn’t mean there wasn’t always something else popping up in its place. War was a never ending battle, the only thing that changed were the opponents.

The doors to the docking bay opened just as the ship was landing. I had a fair sized amount of armed guards behind me, prepared to fire on my command. I stood back at a distance as the ramp from the ship opened and 2 Republic soldiers came off. Well, to be honest they weren’t really soldiers, more like very well trained bounty hunters employed to search different planets for threats to the empire.

“Admiral Onasi, we apologize for the unplanned landing, but we had a most urgent finding and had to bring it to the Republic’s attention immediately!” the male leader of the group said. I noticed their dark attire, most likely used to hide and stick to the shadows. “Well of course, what did you find…” I said to get his name.

“Cserrikk Sir.” I had heard that name a handful of times during our war with the Sith. Cserrikk was the best at finding critical information for the Republic, and had provided much needed information useful to aiding the needs of the Republic. “Sorry, Cserrikk. Please call me Carth.” I extended my hand out for him to shake, which he took immediately.

I could hear struggling coming from the ship and watched as the rest of Cserrikk’s men took their first capture off their ship. The suspect was human, male, probably around the same age as him, 35 or so, maybe a little younger in his features. He was definitely a fighter, it was a wonder they managed to capture him at all from the looks of him.

“Let her go you dirty filth! I swear if any harm comes to her, I’ll be coming for your head, that’s a promise!” the man yelled to the men trying to detain him. “Guard, please go assist Cserrikk’s men with the detaining of that man”.

That’s when my entire world tilted and flipped. Her. It was her. She looked different, but it was definitely her… Revan. I watched them take her off the ship, no fight coming from her at all. She was wearing my damned orange jacket from a lifetime ago. I searched and searched for it when she left, I should have known she had taken it with her. It gave me hope. There was no way for her to know that I would be here, that this ship was under my control. I could have died a thousand times over in that moment, and when her focus finally came my way, I really wanted to.

The look on her face was utter despair. It was clear that I was the last person that she wanted to see, and for me, she was the only person I had wanted to see in my past four and a half years. “Jariinn! Shut your trap. They aren’t going to hurt us unless you give them a reason to. So how about we take it down a notch.” I heard her tell the man, drawing her attention away from me. It was clear that they were captured together, clear that she meant something to him, clear that she had moved on without me.

“Cserrikk.” My voice coming out short and angry even though I tried to tame it. “Do you know who this woman is?” It was like time was standing still, and the bane of my existence was standing not more than 5 feet from in front of me. “Of course Sir. She is Revan. She is also the most hunted woman in the Galaxy. She has made very many enemies Carth…” I could tell he was taking a careful tone with me, noticing the sudden change in my mood.

“Carth?! As in Carth Onasi?!” The man, whom Revan called Jariin, spoke in general. “You have to be kidding! Are you really thee Carth Onasi? The one who helped destroy the Star Forge?!” I couldn’t help but laugh at the man. He clearly wasn’t from the inner parts of the Galaxy and was getting caught up on his information.

“Yes, I am he. Should I know who you are?” I had my “Admiral” stance going on, standing tall, arms crossed across my chest and my best poker face on. “No. You wouldn’t know who I am, but I’ve heard stories about you… Plus, I’ve only been telling Rev here to come back to you and everyone she left behind for 3 years!”

My heart had been broken for a long time. Broken when I lost my wife during the destruction of Telos, broken when I had thought I had lost my son forever, broken when I found out the woman I was starting to love turned out to be the very reason the war started, broken when the very same woman told me she was leaving behind, and broken in this moment again hearing that she chose for 3 years not to come back to me even though those now closest to her told her to.

“Tell your men to let these two go and get my men to lead them to my office. They pose no threat until I say they do. Everyone understand?” My voice assertive and angry as hell. “Yes Admiral.” Cserrikk and my soldiers answered back quickly, moving to carry out my commands.

“Your man is an Admiral now Rev… You’ve always known how to pick em’” was the last thing I heard as I left the docking bay and made my way to the command deck to inform my team of our new guests and to be on guard. I needed space. I needed a moment to collect myself before talking to the both of them, a moment to put back the now again shattered pieces of my heart.

Who the hell was Jariin, and what the hell did he mean she always knew how to pick them?! THEM?! I was wrong to think that she would come back unchanged. Hell, it’s been over four years. I waited and waited for the moment when she would come back into my life, but now I only found myself wanting to run as far away as possible. What was I going to say to her, what the hell was she going to say to me?

I took the long way to the Command Deck to kill more time, some man I was… Dustil must have been keeping tabs on where I was since he met up with me on the way and took stride beside me. “Admiral, I’ve heard we have some very special guests aboard the ship…” his voice was low and looking at my reaction to the whole situation. I tried to hide how upset and uncomfortable I was by answering very casually that yes, we did. It didn’t do much to fool him though as much as I would have hoped.

“Come on Dad. We both know you aren’t okay. I just want to help you in whatever way I can” he said back to me. “I know Dustil. What you can do for me right now is hold the ship down for me okay? I need to spend some time figuring everything out.” We ended up right by my office/quarters where my guests would be waiting for me and without hesitation Dustil confirmed and continued down the hallway.

Well, here goes nothing… I thought as the door opened at my command.

 

_“Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Lets go back to the start.”_


	4. Love Me Like You Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Four**

 

                I tried to calm down. After all my years of training with the Jedi and learning to control my emotions, it was failing me. I paced back and forth in the room for about 5 minutes before finally standing in front of the window and looking out into space. I told the guards to bring Jariin to a holding cell instead of the room. I couldn’t deal with both him and Carth in the same setting right now. Especially after the comments he made towards Carth. I had to at least explain something to make the situation a little better between us. He deserved at least that from me.

I was deep in thought about how I was going to explain myself to him when I heard the door open and footsteps into the room. I didn’t turn to face him right away because I was a coward. I could stand up to enemies and thugs but I couldn’t face him. Not after all this time. I heard his voice, strong and forceful. “Where is your companion?” I couldn’t help the small smirk that came on my face. Carth was jealous, how sweet.

“I told your guards to bring him to a holding cell for the time being. I didn’t think he needed to be a part of our conversation.”  I still didn’t turn around to face him, but I heard him come up behind me, just enough to feel his aura in my space, and how I welcomed and hated it at the same time. “Maybe I should ask them to bring him back. I feel like he is the only one to give me some honest answers…” I flinched at his comment. I could understand why he would be angry with me, but to throw it in my face that he wasn’t going to get the answers he wanted from me was frustrating, even though it was probably true…

I finally turned around to face him and to my surprise, he had looked calmer than his voice portrayed. His arms weren’t crossed around his broad chest anymore, and his stance more forgiving and less Admiral like, less hard, more like the Carth I knew and loved. “What kind of answers are you looking for Carth? I don’t have anything to hide. Everyone knows who I am, what I’ve done…” My stance though was on the defensive, always ready for a fight.

“Lets start with where you’ve been for the last oh I don’t know, almost 5 years?” I could see the hurt on his face, the years of pain I had caused him and it made me only want to drink myself into a drunken mess in some shithole like I deserved. I looked away from him and down to the floor before answering. “Oh you know. Cleaning up the mess I started, and maybe perhaps created some more along the way…”

“And you didn’t think to ever tell not even me or anyone what was going on or if you were even still alive? How could you ask me to stay here and not even tell me anything!? Send one message just to say you were okay?” His body shifted slightly, making me achingly aware of how close he was. I crossed my arms together, pulling his jacket closer to my body like a shield.

“I’m sorry Carth. Really I am. But I didn’t want to give you or anyone any hope when I didn’t even know if I would make it to the next day or if I was ever coming back…” I heard him scoff and I snapped my head back up as I watch him turn away from me and walk across the room like he was going to leave. My body instantly betrayed me by taking a step in the direction he was in, like it couldn’t stand the distance from him after spending so long without him.

“You damn, frustrating woman Revan!” I waited for him to say more, but he stayed silent as his fists clenched in anger, anger at me. We remained silent for a few moments until I heard him ask about Jariin. I knew he would want to know the story between us, what we were to each other, if I loved him.

I told him how Jariin and I crossed paths during one of my missions and he stuck with me ever since. Then Carth asked a question I never expected, and it caught me completely off guard. “Do you love him?” He asked it barely more than a whisper, but I heard it loud and clear. “I do, but only as I would love Candorous. He’s been by my side through so much.”

Never. Never in my life had I ever seen Carth Onasi breakdown, until now. He dropped to his knees in front of me and held his head in his hands, completely and utterly defeated. “I could have been there Revan! I could have been that for you. Why?! Why did you not let me come with you?!” I couldn’t take his hurting anymore. I had to do something. Even though I knew I would regret it later, and it might be doing more harm than good, I had to do it. Not for him, for me because I was selfish and couldn’t watch his suffering.

I walked up behind him, knelt down and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him from behind. His hands immediately held my arms firmly in place before he got up and spun me around, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me passionately.

I let my hands roam up into his messy hair and get tangled while I felt his hands move greedily down from my neck to my hips and pull me closer to him. This was nothing like we had done before. The sex we had before was amazing, but never as intensely filled with passion and madness like this. I pushed off his uniform jacket to reveal his uniform shirt, and found his biceps toned and perfectly defined. It made me hot all over just sneaking glimpses of him again. His lips left mine and made their way to my neck as he pulled the collar of his old jacket down, my sighs coming out hot and breathy. Then he stopped and picked me up in his arms and continued to kiss me while he made his way to what I assumed was his private quarters out of his office.

He laid me down in the bed and began to take off his uniform shirt. “I think maybe I should do some of that work… Don’t you think…?” I said as I smirked up at him. He looked at me full of passion and longing, like he had been waiting and hoping for this for so long. “I’m all yours Beautiful…” He stood there with his arms stretched out wide, waiting for me to make my move. I pulled him up to the edge bed and started taking his shirt slowly off from the bottom, lifting it up as I slowly kissed his stomach. I felt his breathing increase and his struggle to keep still, it made me even more hot.

I stood up and took the shirt off him before starting to kiss him on his lips and making my way down his body. It had been years since I had seen him, but he never let himself go. His body even more toned than last time. I started to unbuckle his belt at his waist and let the zipper go down and pull his pants down ever so slightly. Just enough to show off the dip before his manhood, which I kissed ever so tenderly.

Then I heard him groan and push me all the way back onto the bed, capturing my mouth on the way down. His hands went for the bottom of my top and pulled it up as his fingers graced my lower abdomen. He only stopped kissing me to pull the shirt from over my head and then made his way down to my stomach. I squirmed from the long unfamiliar sensation, and his hand came to hold me steady.

His head lifted and I leaned up slightly to catch his gaze. He gave me a mischievous smile before tearing my pants and underwear off. He came back up to meet my lips before lingering over me, waiting for me to give the okay that I wanted this. Him. I couldn’t stop now. It was too late for that, we were screwed figuratively and about to be literally.

I gave a subtle nod to him before grabbing his face with my hands and bringing his lips back to mine. I felt him enter me and it was like I had never known life, feeling, and wonder. He stopped to let us both adjust to the feeling. He was definitely blessed in the right place and for right now, all mine…

 

_“Follow me through the dark. Love me like you do. Touch me like you do. What are you waiting for? I’ll let you set the pace, cause I’m not thinking straight…”_


	5. Not Over You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Five**

 

                I could hear and feel the soft breaths coming from her mouth as she slept on my chest, both of us intertwined together. All I could do was watch her as she slept in my arms. She was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She looked different than when she left. He hair was still dark brown and long but had strands that were lighter from being in the sun, almost red-like, her features were a little more harsh, and her body firm from the many fights I’m sure she was always involved in. I still wasn’t sure where we stood, but at this exact moment I couldn’t have cared less, the woman I loved was in my arms and we had just had the best sex. If I could live in this moment forever I would have.

I felt her stir in my arms and watched as she woke up and opened up her beautiful brown eyes with a tinge of red in them. She smiled before moving herself closer to me, which I accepted easily. “Well I think that was definitely a top moment for me…” She said chuckling to herself. I laughed in response before kissing her lightly on the forehead and replying, “Definitely number one on my list”.

She looked up at me and I could tell by the look on her face that our blissful moment was about to end. “You know I can’t stay right…?” I heard her say softly to me, trying to break it to me as less hurtful as possible. “Well if you need to go, I’m coming this time. I have people that can hold the fort while I’m gone. It doesn’t have to be like before. The Republic is strong now.”

“No Carth… You still can’t come with me.” I felt her pull away and I sat up to look at her. “Why the hell not! Why are you so quick to shove me out of the picture?! Is it that you don’t love me anymore Revan? Be honest with me if you want to up and leave.” Hurt, angry, and utterly destroyed was what I was feeling. You think I would have been used to it by now, after feeling that way for over four years until an hour ago.

“I’m not the same person as when I left Carth. I’m dark, twisted and not put together the way you think I am. I’ve done things, good and bad. I can’t be here.” She answered back to me as I watched her gather her clothes and start to dress on the side of the bed. “That’s not what I asked Revan… And how about you let me decide who I want to love. I know you’ve done things. I’m not stupid, but I never thought you were all good and no bad, that’s not who you are.”

It was like I was reliving the first time she left me all over again. The same exact scene but harsher and less understanding between us. Was this all we were? Something that constantly got destroyed over and over until one of us learnt, gave up and moved on? “I know what you asked Carth and I can’t give you that answer without making this worse…”

“Worse for you or worse for me? Cause from the way you’re talking, it’s like you don’t love me, or you do and just can’t admit it to yourself because it scares you!” I yelled back at her, getting up from the bed and putting my underwear back on. I walked over to where she was standing, not looking at me.

“Why can’t you just drop this?!” She said more frustrated than ever, giving a huge sigh before continuing. “I can’t love you Carth! Is that what you wanted to hear?! That I’ll never be able to.” I could see the tears come to her eyes, threatening to fall but she wouldn’t let them. We stood in silence for a moment before I thought of what to say to her next.

“Can’t or won’t? There’s a difference Beautiful…” I said trying to break the tension with my words. I watched her pick up the rest of her things before watching her walk to the bedroom door past me, and before she left I heard her say in a clear, strong voice… “Won’t.”

I don’t know how long I was standing there alone in the room before I noticed she had left behind my old orange jacket that she had taken the last time she left. I knew her, and I knew she did it intentionally. She was leaving me behind again, but this time she wanted no part of me going with her, not even my jacket. I didn’t even bother to put my uniform on before walking into my office and putting a voice com through to Dustil.

“Revan is on the move somewhere on the ship. I’m assuming she is going to the Cell Block to see her companion. I give the orders that she is not to be harmed. Am I understood?” I could hear Dustil thinking before his answer came though acknowledging my orders. I shut the com off immediately and went back to the bedroom to get fully clothed.

I made my way to the Cell Block where I found Revan’s friend, Jariin but no sign of Revan. He was sitting in his cell with a serene look on his face. “Why doesn’t she want to stay? What is so important to her out there?” I stood in of his cell, waiting for my answer. His gaze came up to meet mine and I knew he was weighing in his mind what to tell me, how much to tell me.

“She really is going to kill me this time… I don’t know exactly what she’s looking for, but she is searching for someone or something. We’ve been finding little leads here and there while she goes on side missions, trying to fix what she started when she turned to the dark side.” Jariin got up from the bench at the back of the cell and met me at the other side of the cell bars.

I didn’t have a chance to speak before he continued on. “I know something must have happened between you two by now and I know she’s probably sitting in a corner somewhere wanting to kill herself for hurting you. She really is the most caring person I’ve ever come across and I don’t pretend to know everything about you and her but I know that her walking away from you has been the hardest thing she’s ever had to do…”

“Well that really doesn’t matter now does it if she’s willing to do it again. She was always the most frustrating woman I had ever met but this… This I couldn’t even begin to understand even though I kept trying to.” I said back to him. I didn’t even know this man, but if Revan trusted him than so did I until he gave me a reason not to.

 “I don’t completely understand her either to be honest. Our entire crew isn’t blind to the fact she beats herself up over you, but she won’t let herself be happy. All I know is that you are the only thing that could keep her alive Carth.” I needed a plan and I needed it now. She was going to leave if I didn’t do something, and I was not prepared to spend another four and a half years or more without her again.

“Thank you Jariin. I appreciate the information. I’ll see what I can do.” I turned to leave the room, but before I exited I heard Jariin call out to me to which I turned around to face him at a distance. “Make sure you do whatever you have planned soon Sir. I feel that Revan will find a way off your ship sooner rather than later.” I nodded at the comment and walked into the hallway before almost slamming right into Revan.

                “Sorry!” I said to her, holding her steady at a distance. She stood for a moment in my arms length away before shrugging my hands off her shoulders. I looked over at the guards standing by the door of the Cell Block before mentioning, “You may let Jariin go from his cell. He poses no threat to this ship or the Republic. Please release him immediately and allow him and Revan to go about the ship as they please.”

“Yes Admiral.” I heard them reply as I took one more look at Revan, trying to keep my face at an impasse about the situation before quickly turning and walking away from the woman who would always hold my heart, no matter how much she tried to hand it back to me.

 

_“You might think that it’s ending, but not without a fight. I’m not ready to run, I’m not ready to lay down, I don’t think that it’s too late to turn it all around. Don’t just throw it away. After all that we’ve been through. Please don’t say that it’s over, cause I’m not over you… ”_


	6. Bleeding Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Six**

 

                I guess I shouldn’t have expected any less from Carth, though I was surprised when he ordered the guards to let Jariin go from his cell. I followed them into the room and gathered all of my weapons and belongings I had with me before being captured and watched as Jariin did the same. I slipped my double-bladed lightsaber back into its holster onto my right thigh. Though, Jariin wasn’t technically a Jedi, he was force sensitive and I taught him a little of what I knew about the force. Not enough to have force powers like me, but enough to know how to wield a lightsaber.

“You look like shit Rev. What the hell happened with you and Carth?” I heard Jariin ask me. I knew he would ask. I knew he would have known something had happened, especially since Carth had just been in here with him. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to signal our crew and get off this ship!” I said frustratingly back.

“You mean you don’t want to talk about how you guys obviously… Then you broke his heart all over again?” Jariin said back. He was never one to quit discussing a matter when he knew I didn’t want to continue the conversation. “Yes Jariin. I don’t want to talk about it.” I answered back annoyingly. We had finally gathered all of our things and walked out of the Cell Block doors and into the ships hallway.

I was surprised to see Dustil walking our way when we were making our way to an empty room that we could use until my crew arrived. “Well well… You don’t know how surprised I am to see you here Revan…” I heard him say in a sarcastic tone. He began walking beside me to where ever Jariin and I were headed on the ship.

“So I hear you’re the ships Lieutenant. I must give you my congratulations Dustil. You’ve grown into a strong man, much like your father.” I said nonchalantly. “Don’t Revan. Don’t talk about him. Don’t act like you care about me now. You left US remember? And you didn’t ever bother to look back.” He said to me as he stretched out his arm and stopped me mid-stride to a halt, Jariin stopping a few feet in front of us.

“You’re right Dustil, I did leave.  But I did it because the both of you would be much better without me. Plus, I have things I need to take care of. Things I have left unfinished.” I tried to keep my eye contact strong between us so he could look and see that all I was saying was true.

“You remembered didn’t you… That’s why you left so suddenly. You know who you are…” His voice taken down a few notches so others wouldn’t over hear. I looked in front of me at Jariin who had a blank stare on his face, not giving anything away. I turned back to Dustil before answering, “Yes. I remember everything.”

“And you haven’t told him. You don’t think he deserves to know the reason Revan? You think you don’t owe him at least that?!” I hated this ship, hated this conversation, and hated myself for always destroying everything I ever loved.

“I am doing EVERYTHING for him. For you! I owed him for the countless times he stood by my side, fighting for me, for the Republic and now I am paying him back in the only way I know how. By leaving. You don’t know anything Dustil.” I was more than angry which was part of the problem with me. I could never control my emotions like the Jedi taught, but I could fight the constant need to completely give into them like the Sith. I shook his hand off my arm and continued to walk away hoping he wouldn’t follow.

                Jariin and I finally reached empty quarters and I immediately pulled out my mini com unit from my jacket and sent a voice message to my ship, “Reprieve. Incoming call to the ship Reprieve. Do you copy?” I let the signal hang silent for a moment before hearing my 3rd in command come through the com. “It’s really good to hear your voice Captain! We thought we may have lost you for good this time. You and Jariin.” I could hear the relief in Karna’s voice, and I let out a sigh, thankful she had answered.

“Yeah. We’re both good and ready for you to pick us up. I want to get off this stupid ship as soon as possible.” I replied as I gave them the coordinates to where we were. “We’ll be there as soon as we can Cap! We’re still in the Outer Rim so we may be awhile.” I signed off the com and went to lie down in the small cot that was on one side of the room, while Jariin had already been passed out in the other one directly across the room.

I couldn’t help my thoughts in my head, remembering the day I woke up with all my memories, the day my life with Carth ended.

_I felt the jolt of the Force as it shook me awake. I leaned up in bed, Carth sound asleep beside me. I held my head in pain, the memories flooding in like a tidal wave I couldn’t stop. Being trained by the many Jedi Masters I had before being on Dantooine with Alek. The missions we went on together, how dedicated we were to the Republic, and how we went into the war without their consent or approval. Fighting on the battlefields, watching thousands die. I could feel the darkness creeping into my soul…_

_I could remember clearly when Malek and I found the Star Map when we were on Dantoonie and how it led us to different places. Defeating Mandalor, taking his mask, and fighting the urge of the Dark Side… It was then that my eyes snapped open and I knew I had to leave, I couldn’t stay. I remembered lightning, and a strong pull of the Force to the Unknown Regions and what waited there from long ago._

_I got up slowly, trying not to disturb Carth and hopefully get away as quietly as possible. I put on and gathered my gear, my double-bladed lightsaber, and a bunch of things I could find that would be useful to put quickly in my pack. I could gather more essentials later when I was long gone. I took one last look at the closet before my eyes caught the orange hue of Carth’s beloved jacket. It was older, had been through many battles and you could see the wear on it, but I still loved when he wore it. I smiled and brought the jacket to my nose, it smelled like Carth. I let myself stand there for a couple seconds before making the selfish decision to take it with me. I shoved it in my pack, not wanting him to notice I was taking it if he woke up before I was gone. I had barely gotten it stuffed in the pack before I heard him move and feel instantly that he was awake._

_I closed the pack and stood up straight while I watched the look of sleep disappear from his face, and be replaced with worry and confusion. I knew what was coming and I wanted to run, but my body wouldn’t move. I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to jump into his arms and let him hold me and make it all better but I knew what I was doing was saving him. Saving him from me and the darkness that held me._

_I made my way to the Ebon Hawk after breaking both our hearts, distracting him with a duty to the Republic. It’s what he was best at, what I knew he would do for me instead of following me. There was no one on the ship, it was in the dead of night and everyone else would be too late to stop me, to track me. The only thing I took with me was my droid, T3-M4. He would be useful in keeping the Ebon Hawk and I hidden and the destinations of the ship locked away if anyone should find the ship._

_I went into the cockpit, started the engines and watched my whole life disappear…_

                He was still out there, waiting for me to return. Only this time I wasn’t going to let my mind get twisted in his darkness. I had my own darkness within me, and I was going to kill him this time. I would not allow myself to be fooled twice and I would either defeat him or die trying. I was going to put an end to the Sith and all they tainted, all they had taken over the millenniums.

I rolled to my side, closed my eyes, and clutched at my arms trying to contain my anger and rage. I curled up into the fetal position, missing the feeling of Carth’s jacket around me. Having it all those years was like having a piece of him, having him there holding me together. Not this time. I had left the jacket in his quarters. I had to make it clear I didn’t want any of him with me, not even something as simple as that damn jacket.

I felt the ship shake and my eyes snapped open. I had to calm down. I didn’t want to bring the whole ship down because of my emotions, and of how connected I was to the Force now. If I wanted to, I could bring this whole ship crashing down into the planet it sat above. I was a dangerous weapon, one that I intended to keep as hidden as possible.

 

_“You cut me open and I keep bleeding love”_


	7. Find My Way Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Seven**

 

I went back to my office living quarters to put my plan in motion. If I knew Revan as well as I thought I did, she had probably already had her crew on the way to the ship to get her and Jariin. And if I was as smart as I thought I could be, I would be able to delay her finding out they had landed in the Docking Bay before I had a chance to go talk to her new crewmates.

I quickly sent out my orders to the necessary officers to keep the docking of any ship quiet and to notify me if it was who they thought I was looking for. I went to my bedroom to gather my things and change out of my uniform. I put on basic medium armor with special upgrades, and black combat boots before grabbing my old orange jacket she had left behind and putting it back on.

I could see my reflection in the mirror and something clicked into place inside me. Even though I hadn't worn the jacket in years, and had only worn my Republic uniform and was used to it, putting the jacket back on was a symbol of who I was, who Revan fell in love with, and who I would become. It was a symbol of our love together, how they started, how they grew, and the promise of their future.

I knew I would always love my first wife Morgana, but I knew Revan was my soul mate. She was everything. I knew that following her might lead to my death, that following her would mean I would have to leave my son behind again, and that it might cost me everything I built… But I also knew that my son was no longer a boy but a man with his own life, and that everything I had meant nothing without her.

I packed the rest of the things that would be useful to me and headed back out into my office where Dustil stood waiting for me. "You're going to follow her this time aren't you?" He said to me, his eyes going over my attire and down to the pack hanging in my hand. I looked at my Son, my strong beloved Son. I took in every detail of him for my memory before replying, "Yes, I am going to follow her this time. Whether she wants me to or not, it will be too late by the time she notices."

"It's the right choice Dad. I know you loved Mom, and I know you still do, but Revan is your future. She is the closest thing I've had to a mother since you found me, and she is important to me too… So go Dad. Go save her, save the Republic, and then bring her home with you." I had tears forming in my eyes at his words. And it didn't take me long to drop the pack and run to my Son and hold him tightly in my arms, possibly for the last time.

I could hear his muffled sobs as he cried into my shoulder. I was happy he understood, happy he wasn't mad at me for leaving him behind again. We slowly let go of our embrace and stood back from each other. I put my hand out to shake his hand like the men we were. "Good luck on your travels Admiral" he formally dismissed me.

"I am so proud of you Dustil. Keep the Republic strong in my absence, okay Lieutenant?" I said in my fatherly voice. He gave a strong nod before watching me pick my pack up and headed out of my office.

I headed for the Docking Bay so I could be prepared for Revan's ship arrival and quick boarding of it before she would find out her crew were here. I took less known hallways and paths to decrease my chances of running into either Her or Jariin. I hustled down the hallways, picking up things from the Med Bay and Armoury along the way. I managed to stay hidden behind crates in the Docking Bay, and the soldiers knew not to mention my presence to anyone, and to just report to Dustil for instructions. I didn't know how much time I would have to wait, or how much time I would have to talk to Revan's crew but I tried to plan how I think it would end up working out. I just prayed they would be on my side of things...

About six hours later, a ship almost like the Ebon Hawk landed in the Docking Bay. I saw the ramp begin to descend and I ran to the platform, jumping into the small opening. As I rolled into the ship, I came face to face with a young t'welik probably not much older than her early 20's. She looked at me angrily and I rushed to put my hand on the switch to pull the ramp back up to close the ship off. "Listen ace, I don't know who you are, but you better get off this ship! You have no idea who it belongs to or what she'll do to you when she finds out you are here unwelcomed!" the young woman yelled at me full force.

"Listen please. I know who this ship belongs to, and I am well aware it won't be long before my ships attempts at scrambling your message to her that you are here fail, but I need you and your crew's help, especially since all I want is to protect your Captain." I pleaded back to her, hoping she would see my desperation.

I watched her weigh my response carefully before answering back in a careful tone. "Who are you and what do you want from us that has to do with our Captain?" I sighed and told her my plan to hide out on the ship, out of sight till far enough away that Revan could not bring me back. That I was Carth Onasi, Admiral of the Comand Ship they were currently docked at, and most important, that I was and would always be in love with Revan and would do anything to protect and save her.

I could see the obvious look of shock on the poor girl's face. "Wait. You're telling me, that out of all the places she could have been taken to, she landed on your ship?! The ship of the man she left behind years ago and still wasn't over?! HOLY SHIT." I couldn't help but laugh at the situation unfolding before me, and adding the fact that all of her crew must have known the short version of "our" story. "So will you help me out?" I asked her, knowing time was of paramount.

"Of course! We know Revan is much too proud to let you come with us, even though I know she wants to be with you. It's clear we must take this opportunity to our advantage for her even though I'm sure she'll kill us all later! But that just makes it all the more fun!" The girl, whom I learned, was named Karna answered back playfully. Obviously enjoying a bit of mischief. She introduced me, and the plan to the rest of Revan's crew who had no objections to the plan either much to my relief. I just hoped everything else would fall in line exactly the way I needed to, and that maybe, for once, luck would be on my side for a change.

 

_"Without you I am sinking like a stone, you're all that I need. I will find my way back"_


	8. Hollow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Eight**

 

I watched myself step off of the Reprieve from a distance, Jariin and Carth following the other me from behind, Jariin flanked to my right, and Carth to the left. I knew this world that surrounded us in an instant, Dromund Kaas... It was the hidden Sith Empire planet that I had once discovered, long ago with Alek. It was a world we wouldn't be welcomed to with open arms, most of all to me, though at one point I was more than welcomed. I shuddered at the thought of who I was back then, what I became.

"You shouldn't have come back Revan" a voice called out to the three of them, from the darkness that engulfed the surroundings. I knew this wasn't real, but just the Force reaching out to me, to guide me, though I couldn't help the horrid feeling creeping up on me, making my stomach turn. I wouldn't like the outcome about to unfold in the scene before me, I'm sure.

"You know I couldn't just let you scum survive! This ends now. Like it should have ended many years ago. I won't let you twist my mind this time!" I heard the other me shout out in rage, back to the darkness that spoke.

"Funny you should be the one to call us scum when you, at one time, not so long ago in fact, were one of us" the darkness replied with laughter and malice on its tongue.

It was then that I noticed the look on Carth's face. It was filled with worry, masked behind his strong "soldier stare" I knew he wore so well. Why was he here? I was leaving him behind for just this reason, to keep him safe from this darkness I knew so well. The Force knew my feelings, knew I loved him... Maybe this was the way to tell me I shouldn't doubt my feelings to leave him behind, though my heart told me different. I watched on as Carth slipped his right hand into my left, intertwining our fingers. My heart ached at the sight, knowing the strength just his touch would give me.

The scene began to change around us, the darkness sprouting into crackling lightning, much like Force Lightning. It only took a moment for it all to happen, but for me on the sidelines, it seemed to go in slow motion. Lightning struck the Force Vision me in the chest, much too fast for me to block, while the Sith Emperors Loyaltist's, I knew as Dread Masters took hold of Jariin and Carth from behind.

I watched myself drop to the floor from the force of the lightning that struck me, holding my chest with the hand that moments ago held Carth's, while the other saved me from hitting the ground. Carth struggled against the two Dread's holding him captive from reaching me. I could hear him yelling out my name over and over, I tried to call out to him from the sidelines but it was like I didn't exist to them. Jariin, I noticed, was tackling 3 Dreads to the ground before another came out from the darkness, punching him squarely in the jaw, making him too dazed to fight back. A shadowed figure drew all of our attentions as he stepped out from the shadows of the darkness. I knew him. I knew this horrible taint of darkness.

"Vitiate..." I heard myself whisper from my current position on the ground. I could feel the hatred fill every syllable I spoke.

The Emperor circled around Carth, making my blood boil, and I'm sure the Force Vision of me felt the same. The other me spun to draw her gaze to the two men. The one we both loved, and the one we both hated with every cell in our bodies. Vitiale dragged his finger along Carth's back, which was covered by the black, medium armour he wore, while directing a smug look on his face at the Force Vision me.

"Don't. Don't fucking touch him." I heard myself speak out forcefully, standing up to attack him, but then being immediately held back by his Force Powers. I watched myself struggle against his will to hold me back, but made no success to be free.

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Don't you know by now Revan...? You've always managed to kill the things you love. By your own hand, or another's." He spoke out with a sickening grin before a bright red lightsaber pierced through Carth's chest. Both versions of me could do nothing but scream out in agony as blood sprouted out from Carth's mouth as he hit the ground in front of me.

"REV. REV! FOR GODS SAKE WAKE UP REV!" I could hear Jariin's voice become clearer, while my body was shaken from the stasis it was just in. It was then I realized I woke up screaming.

"Thank the stars! You scared the shit out of me Rev. What the hell was going on?" Jariin asked as I managed to sit up from the bunk that was now completely destroyed by my thrashing around from the Force Vision. Jariin hovered above me with the most concerned look I've ever seen on his face in the whole 3 years we've spent together.

"A Force Vision..." I whispered out to him as I attempted to swing my legs to the side of the bunk. The movement made Jariin back up from his current position over my head, which pounded from the vision, along with the burning sensation that set my whole throat on fire.

"Shit Rev. What happened? I've never heard you scream like that, even when we get our asses handed to us in a fight." I couldn't help but give a hoarse laugh at his response. How very Jariin to say something like that.

I made my way to the bathroom to get some water for my aching throat before managing to tell him that I had to watch Carth die in my vision. Get murdered, because of me. It was my worst fear... Jariin wasn't stupid, he would know what watching something like that, watching the man I love die, would do to me without me having to explain. I was so caught up in myself wallowing that I didn't notice Jariin followed me into the tiny bathroom. I felt him put his hands on my shoulders, spinning me around until my face landed onto his chest, while his arms moved to wrap around me in a protective way. It was then I just let myself shut down and drown in the tears that claimed my face.

 

_"Only your love could fill up my cup, cause I'm hollow"_


	9. Give In To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Nine**

 

I don't know how she did it, but my Revan managed to find a ship in the exact same make of the Ebon Hawk. If I didn't know her so well, I would think it to be sentimental, but I knew it would be because she knew the layout of the Ebon Hawk so well, it would just be easier for her to have a similar layout in her new ship. I was extremely thankful for the ship she now commanded, it meant I knew the layout as well, something she wouldn't have predicted that I, or anyone else, would use against her, but I had no other options at this point. More importantly, she left me with no other options...

"I won't question how you know the layout of our ship right now because we have zero time, but stay hidden until we're too far away for her to decide to turn back, or else all of this planning will be for nothing, and I will surely end up as bantha fodder for plotting against her wishes!" Karna told me in a hurried tone as I stashed myself into a hidden crawlspace behind the metal grating in the storage room.

The space wasn't very forgiving in size, only meant for mechanics to be able to fix the ships components located in the area, but I managed to fit myself in, along with my pack that had grown heavy with all my items. It would have to do until I was sure Revan wouldn't turn back to get rid of me. The thought of her making that choice made my heart break silently even more.

"Karna!" I heard Revan's yell carry out through the ship's hallway. The sound of her voice made my heartbeat speed up in my chest.

"Captain! I'm sorry for the late communication. I think the Republic Ship was interfering with our on-board signal..." Karna told Revan with a steady voice, no hint of deceit or worry in her voice. I hoped Revan wouldn't know her crewmate was lying right to her face. Revan never did well with liars, especially with those close to her. She had gone through too much deceit in her life already. The thought pained me that I was also deceiving her now.

"Don't worry about that. Let's just get off this stupid ship. I've had more than enough of it to last a lifetime." Revan mentioned back to her crewmate, her footsteps carrying her closer down the hall to the room I hid myself in.

"Come on Rev... Why can't you just be honest with yourself? Take him with us. You'll regret it if you walk away now. I know you will. And none of us want to have to look you in the eyes for the next, however many years we've got left, knowing you could have made the right choice!" I could hear Jariin's voice call out after her. I assumed it was his footsteps I could hear following hers that had now come to a halt.

"Really Jariin?! After what the Force Vision just showed me?! You want me to bring the man I love with us on this suicide mission, to only have to watch him die because of me? I won't lose him in that way. I won't murder him."

Hearing her reply broke me down until small tears formed in my eyes. I didn't know what she saw, but if it was our future, though I hoped for a brighter one, I would gladly give my life to protect her, for her. I only wish she would let me make the choice for my fate, instead of me having to hide away like some stowaway, but she had just unknowingly confirmed what I hoped to still be true... She loved me. And that was the only thing I cared about, the rest of it didn't matter.

"You didn't murder him Rev... You don't even know if it's real. Are you really going to throw away the chance to be happy, even if it's only for a short time, on something you can't confirm is going to unfold? Why can't you let him make the decision to what he wants? Why are you so scared?" I heard Jariin say back to her with a stern sadness tracing after every sentence. I was thankful for Jariin. Thankful that he stuck by her side when she pushed everyone else away, when anyone else wouldn't dare talk to her the way he was talking to her, and thankful that he stuck up for my voice on the matter though he owed nothing to me.

"He'll move on. He'll be safe, happy, and he can fall in love again. He'll have a future if I leave him behind. He can't see it now because I taint his thoughts and feelings, but one day, one day he'll move on and forget about me..." Revan strongly said back to her second in command before her footsteps carried on further into the ship away from me and Jariin.

"Oh Rev. I wish I could believe that you actually thought that to be true..." Jariin replied to who I assumed was no one since Revan had left, and he didn't know I existed on the ship. I could hear the sadness creep back into his voice, making me want to come out of hiding just to thank him for sticking up for me, and being on our side, even if she couldn't see it. Shortly after, I could hear his footsteps move in the opposite direction down the ship from Revan, and towards the cockpit.

The engines in the ship revved up about 30 minutes later, and I felt us take off into space not long after, and noticed the immediate jump into hyper drive, to a course no doubt set for the Outer Rims. I didn't know much about her plans, but I knew it had something to do with that part of space, and the reason she couldn't, wouldn't take me.

It felt like hours had gone by before I even began to consider coming out of my hiding spot. I even managed to fall asleep for a brief moment, until I heard footsteps shuffling around the halls. It had been fairly quiet in my part of the ship, no more conversations to overhear, or gossip to learn. I assumed Revan kept most of the crew busy with tasks, making sure they were able to get a good sleep, and ready for anything they may encounter.

I waited a few more hours, just to be sure we were well more than half way to the Outer Rim before I squeezed myself out of the tiny crawl space, dragging my pack along with me, attempting to not make too much noise so I didn't draw any attention to myself before I wanted it. I managed to stand up and straighten out my clothes, my armour digged terribly into my left side from being in the too small space for so long. I stretched out my sore body, not being the young man I once was, and felt my muscles tighten, and groan in response.

I gathered my pack and flung it over my shoulder before making my way to the doorway opening that lead to the main hallway of the ship. I listened to make sure no one was coming from either direction before tip-toeing my way down the hall towards the hull of the ship, hoping it was still the place Revan stayed to keep a close eye on everything, remembering how she was back when they were all on the Ebon Hawk almost 5 years ago. I rounded the corner to the hull of the ship that had the middle hologram that hovered in the center of the room, identical to the Ebon Hawk.

"Holy shit..." I heard as I came face to face with Jariin at a distance, who was the only to be looking my way. Karna turned from the station she sat, towards the direction I stood, trying to keep a smile from taking over her face. I tried to keep the same smile off of mine.

It was then that Revan walked out from the cockpit area that led directly into the room we all stood in, wearing the worst expression on her face I had ever seen in all the years we had known each other. I could feel my mouth dry out from the immediate panic that seemed to creep up on me, making me momentarily regretting my whole stupid, insane plan to follow her.

"What. The. Hell. Are you doing here Carth?!" I heard her voice carry out towards me in a fiery tone, no doubt wanting to crucify me for disobeying her decision to leave me behind.

"I made you a promise once Gorgeous. I let you talk myself out of keeping it once, but I wasn't going to let you do it to me twice. You say you don't want to love me, that you don't need me... And maybe that's true, but I love you, and I promised to protect you, and that's exactly what I'm going to do." I stood my ground against her. It wasn't the first time I had to, and it wouldn't be the last. She needed to hear me, and this time I would make sure she did.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want you here Carth?!" She said as she crossed the distance between us before bringing both hands to push against my chest in protest. I took a quick step back before recovering, shooting my arms forward to bring her body tight to my chest. This was home. She was my home, and despite her objections, I knew I was hers.

"I don't believe you." I whispered confidently into her ear for no one else to overhear. I knew her full crew had gathered in the room at the uprising that had quickly escalated in the open room, but I didn't care. It was only me and her, it would always be me and her, till my life left me, and maybe even after.

"You don't know what you're promising Carth... I've seen it. I've seen you die because of me. Please, just walk away, while you still can." I brought my gaze to meet hers as she pleaded with me to change my mind, but I was in too deep. I couldn't change my plans now, even if I was going to lose my life. I would stand with her till the end, whatever, and whenever that was.

"No can do Sweetheart. I'm going with you till the end. You're stuck with me." I confirmed in a teasing tone, letting her read the seriousness in my gaze. I could see the defeat in her expression before I felt her arms wrap around my torso, grasping me tightly.

"Well let's all take a moment to be thankful for that!" Jariin laughed out, starting a round of applause from the crew. I chuckled at the generous acceptance from her crewmates, showing their willing support.

"Well done Flyboy!" Karna spoke up from her chair, giggling at the scene while winking at me from across the room. No doubt happy that our plan had succeeded, and that she wouldn't end up left in the dust the next time the ship touched down.

"I won't even begin to question how you managed to stay hidden on my ship for so long without my knowledge..." Revan stated as she broke from my grasp, bringing her attention to her crew who all managed to take special attention to other things that were not Revan's gaze. I could see her gaze narrow to Karna, who had whirled herself back to the screen behind her.

I took her hand, breaking the pressing stare she was giving to everyone, drawing her attention back to me. "Let's go somewhere... More private. I'll tell you all about how I managed to escape your notice, and maybe you can tell me what the hell you're planning?" I declared, as I grabbed her hand to bring to meet my lips for a gentle kiss.

"My quarters are this way, but I'm sure you know that since the ship happens to be the same as the Ebon Hawk, with slight mechanical differences." She smirked back up at me, teasing me. It was good to see her playful again as she led me down the hallway I just made my way down.

We didn't make it to her door before my lips captured hers in a commanding kiss, her hands roaming down my chest, and suddenly I wished I didn't wear such thick armour that blocked out her touch from my skin. I let my hands roam under her black top, feeling her skin lit a fire across mine, and I gladly let it consume me whole.

I felt her push my back into a door that gave way once it recognized her presence. We stumbled into her private space, letting her top fall to the floor, along with my armour, showcasing both of our bare skin. There would never be a time that seeing her wouldn't take my breath away. I let my gaze fall down her body, knowing she was watching, which only made her push her lips back to mine, while throwing me onto the bed I didn't notice was behind me, releasing our lips again.

"You know I love you right? There was never anyone else. Just you." She confessed, hovering above me, looking at me full of emotion. _Desire. Love. Seduction._ I couldn't get enough of her. Hearing her devotion for me wasted away any composer I had left, as I moved forward to drag her body on top of mine, wanting to feel her body in proximity to mine.

"I never had any doubts Beautiful..." I said freely, before rolling her over and showing her just how devoted I was to her, body and soul.

 

_"I'm gonna wear you down. I'm gonna make you see. Come on, give in to me..."_


	10. War Paint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Ten**

 

It felt good to have him beside me, sleeping calmly. I knew I should have been sorry, but I couldn't find the strength to fight how blissfully happy I was at this moment. Jariin was right. As much as I hated to admit that fact, he was right about Carth, about us both being better together than being better apart, even if the future was dark and bleak.

I let my finger drag lazily across Carth's bare back, watching his even breaths come in and out of his mouth. Even in his sleep he looked sexy as hell, and it brought hot sensations to my body. I couldn't let myself go there, instead I let myself drift in and out trying to find a way to tell Carth everything I had kept hidden from him for so long, 4 years long... It finally felt like I could almost fully breathe again with him by my side again, being my partner for the long haul.

"What's on your mind Beautiful?" I heard Carth ask in a drowsy voice, slowly waking up from his peaceful sleep, which brought me out of the little bubble of distracting thoughts.

"I'm just thinking about how amazingly, disgustingly, happy I am to have you here with me, beside me in bed, going on another adventure together." I said honestly before brining my lips to meet his shoulder while my hand still grazed up and down his back as he lay on his perfectly toned stomach.

"Hmmm. Well, I'm glad to have made that affect on you" he replied back with a sneaky smirk on his face as he lifted himself up to meet my lips in a soft, quick kiss before he pulled away to carry on the conversation I was moments before thinking so hard about.

"So how about you tell me about your plans before we get too distracted by "other things" again?" It made me laugh on how accurate that statement was before I shoved his face back into the bed playfully before getting serious about the situation.

"Seriously Carth, it's not pretty, and I know it probably won't end well... I want to make sure you understand that..." I told him all joking aside, not wanting to give hope where there was none.

I knew he understood the tone in my voice right away at the look he gave me. He was a well trained Soldier, and a well regarded Admiral, he knew the severity I spoke of. I watched him sit up and let his back rest against the wall, the sheets draped around the lower half of his body. I had to give a silent prayer to the universe for keeping him under the covers. I had zero restraint if he lied here in front of me, naked.

"Do you remember? I mean, did your memories come back? Is that why you left? Why you pushed us all away?"

It was such an easy question to answer. Yes or No. Yet I felt myself hesitating before I nodded yes in shame. Shame in myself for not telling him 4 years before, not shame at him, or what he would think of me, shame in myself for being such an awful person to everyone I cared about. I felt his hand rest under my chin, bringing my gaze to his. His face held no judgement, just understanding and support. I don't know why I thought it would be anything else. Carth was the perfect partner. _Supportive, loyal, caring._

"Why didn't you just tell me before? I would have understood, just as I do now... You have no reason to be ashamed, not with me." Carth said affectionately.

I don't know how the universe decided I deserved this man, but I would always be eternally grateful. After all the shitty hands I got dealt, all the dark and twisted paths I went down, Carth was beyond any doubt, the greatest thing to happen to me. As much as I felt for Alek, it would never compare to how much I felt, and would always feel, and love this man right here, right now.

"I know you would have Carth. I know you would have done anything you could have to support me, to help me. But all I could think was that I needed to protect you, protect Dustil, and everyone else. I needed to protect you from what I knew was out there, and from myself." I explained to him.

We sat there for a few hours while I told him about the Sith Emperor, and how he was the reason Alek and I fell the first time. That we had gone there with the intention to destroy him, but he twisted our minds. Alek and I were already so close to the edge of darkness, it wasn't hard for the Sith to corrupt us, Alek more than I. I figured out that even though that I had fell, the mind control the Emperor used to corrupt us was something I could resist, unlike Alek who was under his complete control. It's why I was so dangerous to the Sith, to the Emperor, and it was why I had to be the one to bring him down. Why I was the only one who could.

I made clear why he and the whole situation was so threatening. That the Emperor had become almost God-like, and would be sure to destroy and consume everything if I didn't stop him, like I had tried to do all those years ago. I told Carth about how I ditched The Hawk, found and customized The Reprieve, met all my crew, who were just as loyal as Mission or Juhani, especially Jariin.

Just as I knew Carth would, he asked about the Force Vision that he overheard me yelling at Jariin about when he was hiding in the walls of the ship. When he was so close and I had absolutely no idea because I was so consumed with grief over leaving him behind again, losing him again. I opened up about Vitalie, and how he, Jariin and I tried to confront his darkness before Vitalie put his lightsaber through his chest in front of me.

"You need to promise me something" Carth finally broke my long speech to say to me with a stern pang in his tone, it was almost desperate.

"Anything." I shot back in a confident tone. Both of us locked into each other's aura. He kept his promises to me, now it was my turn to return the favor. It was my turn to commit to him like he had to me, many times over and over despite my constant need to run away from him.

"I need you to promise that if it's true, if he does end up killing me... That you'll make sure you finish it. Don't hesitate. Don't let him break you by killing me. I need you to promise me Revan. Promise me you'll complete the mission."

I wanted to cry at the thought of promising him that. That I could just easily push aside the fact that the man that I loved got killed by the thing I hated most. That it wouldn't affect my entire world, and will to live without him.

"Anything but that... Please." I pleaded back in a low, begging tone. Carth moved forward to take both of my hands in his, kissing them before responding. It made my heart break at the constant thought of ever losing him, losing this, losing our future.

"Please Gorgeous. You need to promise me. You can't let him destroy everything we've fought to protect. Do it for me. Do it for Dustil, Mission, and everyone we love." Carth urged back with reason, and I found myself unable to refuse him for a second time.

"Alright. I promise. For you, for everyone we love." He smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. Why did I ever let myself be so miserable for so many years? God I was an idiot. Correction, was still an idiot.

"Now as much as I'd rather stay in bed with you for all eternity, we should probably check in with the crew. You know, let them know I won't murder them for hiding you" I smirked at him while I jumped out of the bed to dress myself. I headed to the small closet in my room that held the minimal amount of clothes I had left that weren't destroyed, yet.

I picked a black tank, a slinky lose jacket with leather arms that I had amour built into, paired with simple light armour leggings, also black, it was kind of my thing to wear black. I added my tight fitting, tall, dark grey boots that I frequently hid weapons in, it came in handy at times.

"You know, I think watching you get dressed like that, is almost as sexy as you taking it all off, or me taking it all off" Carth teased. I chucked his old, orange jacket at him to shut him up. I loved that after everything, we could still be playful, and carefree with each other.

When we were both dressed, we made our way to the Hull of The Reprieve to see how good of time we were making to our destination, Dromund Kaas. I felt better with Carth on board the ship. He was a strong asset to have as part of the crew, but I still couldn't shake the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, even though I tried my hardest to ignore it.

"Hey you two! We weren't expecting to see you guys so soon!" Jariin said, winking at us both as we entered the Hull. I gave him a dirty look, and Carth just turned beet red at the comment just like I expected.

"Sorry Rev!" Jariin chuckeled. "I just couldn't pass up the opportunity" he finished saying, meeting Carth and I around the mapping screen anchored in the middle of the room.

"Are we still on course Jariin?" I asked plainly, noticing Carth take the place beside me to my right. He wansn't my Carth anymore though. Instead stood the Soldier everyone either knew or had heard about. It made me smile. I felt a great amount of pride being able to call this man mine.

"If we only make minor stops along the way, we should reach Dromund Kass hopefully by the end of the month or so." Jariin informed both Carth and I before asking Carth if he was "filled in" to which Carth simply nodded in reply, studying the map.

"Let's hope we're good and prepared before we get there. It won't be and easy fight by any means, but if we don't stop Vitalie, it will be too late for the Galaxy to stop him should we fail."

"If it didn't make me sick at the thought, I'd laugh at the many times you got left with defending the galaxy Revan." Carth sarcastically laughed out loud, bringing his gaze away from the map and down to me.

"Oh me too Carth. Me too..." I laughed back before the 3 of us set off to make more plans before our arrival, and soon to be confrontation with Vitalie. But first, we needed to make a few stops before going rushing towards the impending doom that awaited us, awaited me specifically.

 

_"Watch me put my war paint on. Love is not the enemy."_


	11. It's Killing Me to Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R. Disclaimer: all song lyrics at the bottom of chapters go to their rightful owners. I only own the plot.

**Chapter Eleven**

 

                I still hadn’t got used to waking up with her beside me every day, even after two weeks of being together. I had forgotten how amazing it was to watch Revan work and plan out missions. It brought me back to the times on The Hawk, when she ran the “old” crew and we molded us into what we were now, after defeating Malek. Her crew welcomed me, and my many inputs with open arms, which I was thankful for.

They were all as I thought they would be. Loyal to their Captain without fault. Willing to lay their lives on the line for her, and each other, time and time again. Revan seemed to never had any problems finding people to follow her. Even in the beginning.  When she was a Jedi, Alek followed her, then the war broke out, and more turned to her guidance. It was like people just gravitated towards her. Myself included.

Shortly after getting settled on the ship, I commed Dustil to let him know I was alright. Much to his surprise, Revan hadn’t dropped me off on some backwater planet, which made me laugh in agreement. I then got to the not good stuff of the story, filling him in on certain things that Revan had discovered when she regained her memories. Making sure he knew the severity of the situation her and I were in. How it would affect the Republic in the long run, and that he needed to get the alliance ready if needed. I signed off  after about an hour, telling him how proud of him I was, and that I knew he would get what I needed done in my absence as Interim Admiral of the Telos.

                I made my way to the cockpit shortly after. Jariin, who was maneuvering the ship, which was once my job on the Hawk a long time ago, but now was more part of the “planning” then anything else. I asked him how long it would be till we were touched down on the planet’s surface, as I brought my gaze out to the ships windows in front of both of us.

“We should be fully landed in about 10 minutes. Then we can take care of a few things, and get back on track to Kass” Jariin answered back, maintaining focus on guiding the ship through the atmosphere of clouds.

I could already remember the feeling on Tatooine’s harsh sand against my skin from the last time we had touched down with The Hawk all those years ago. The plant probably hadn’t gotten any better in the past 4 years, especially since the Republic didn’t reach this far into the Galaxy to clean up and set up a post. To be honest, I didn’t blame them for not trying harder, the planet didn’t hold much appeal.

“Reprieve, you are clear for landing at Docking Bay 46” a voice came through the com unit.

“Are you ready to get dirty Carth?” I heard Revan ask behind me, as she popped into the cockpit with a not so excited look on her face at the thought of getting gritty and dusty in a few moments when we land.

“Not the kind of dirty I would like us to be...” I replied as naturally as I could without bursting out in laughter. I watched her face turn into a knowing smirk before I heard Jariin speak out loud with an, “ew gross” while making gagging noise from the front seat. Moments later, I felt the ship touchdown. The 3 of us made our way to the landing ramp, readying ourselves with as much skin covered by clothing and amour as the heat would allow us without dying of heat, and of course carrying weapons if we needed. One thing I knew about traveling with Revan, trouble always seemed to find and follow her any where she went. Being prepared was part of the game.

 

 

                Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out!

It’s all that kept running through my mind as my stomach emptied itself into the bowl in the Fresher. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had gotten sick. When I was little? Before I joined the Jedi? I chalked it up to nerves about the nearing confrontation with the Sith Emperor. Worry about losing Carth? That had to be it right? I couldn’t think about the other thing it could be... It made me get sick again.

After about 15 minutes of sickness, I finally managed to pick myself off of the floor, and make myself presentable. I couldn’t let anyone see me like this. Especially Carth. I could hear the dust and sand bounce off the ship as she came closer and closer to the Docking Bay. Out of all the worlds I had been to, I hated this one the most. I hated the feeling of being unclean. The coarse dirt rubbing against my skin, and on my clothes. It certainly didn’t help with my current, developing, sour mood.

-

                Carth, Jariin, and I hopped off the landing ramp of The Reprieve, the heat of the planet assaulting us instantly, and at full force. I already felt sweat gather on my skin. Ugh. Stupid freakin’ planet.

“Alright boys, you get the upgrades we need for Reprieve, and I’ll stock up on food, drinks, and grenades. Meet me back here in about 2 hours?” I said to the both of them as we made our way to the gate which separated the Docking Bay from Achorhead.

“Do you think it’s safe for us to split up? I remember what happened the last time we came to this horrid planet. I don’t think we can afford a repeat of those events...” Carth answered back in a worried tone. I smiled at his protectiveness over me after all this time, making me feel even more grateful to have him with me again.

“I won’t say it safe... But it has improved since then, slightly...” I mentioned back to him while paying the 100 credits to the man for the docking fee before stepping into Anchorhead, which was still managed to be as sand filled as the last time.

“The easiest and fastest way to get all the things we need is to split up. We can’t afford to waste anymore time. I’ll be fine Carth. Try not to worry so much” I said jokingly back to the both of them as I headed in the opposite direction, while giving them a wave off with my hand. Carth the Protector, that should have been his name, instead of Carth, the Admiral. I laughed at the thought of teasing him about the new nickname later, as I made my way to the first stop on my list.

It was an unplanned, and unexpected stop I had to add to our, well more like, my plans, but one I couldn’t make if either Carth or Jariin stayed with me. Which is why I had to push them to split up from me. I stepped forward, giving the overly rusted door time to draw itself open at my arrival. I was trying hard to keep my emotions as reigned is as I could, letting my eyes graze over the sign that read “Medical”. I stepped in as quickly as I could, not wanting to linger any longer then I had to.

-

                “Well, it’s still very early, but the tests have confirmed that you are with child.” The doctor congratulated me like it was no big thing. Like my whole world hadn’t been flipped on its axis. Like it didn’t threaten the plans I currently had in motion. Like it didn’t affect that it was my job to save the entire Galaxy, and a baby did **not** fit in with all those plans.

“Are there, is there any complications?” I managed to choke out, forcing my voice to work just enough to ask the question.

“Perfectly healthy so far, there’s no need to take any sort of extensive measures this early on. I just want to make sure you’re doing the basics like eating properly, staying hydrated, and getting the proper nutrients, the usual stuff.”

“Okay.” I said back to the Med Doctor with a straight face before I made to gather my belongings. Before I left, I promptly made sure every document was destroyed so there was no possible way for me to be traced back to ever being here. The last thing that I needed was someone finding out about my newest, deepest secret. Enemies, enemies who wouldn’t hesitate to take action against me with this sort of _information_.

_Pregnant. With child._ It’s all I could think about as I completed the rest of the stops that I originally had planned. One thing I knew for certain was that I could **not** tell Carth. It felt awful for me to think about, having to keep another new secret from him, just when I had cleared all the secrets between us just a few weeks ago. But I knew. I knew there was no way he would let me follow through with going after the Emperor if I told him I was pregnant, with _our_ child. He wouldn’t be able to understand how knowing this information would just push me harder to succeed in our mission, in killing Vitalie. I had a reason to stay alive. Not that Carth wasn’t reason enough. But a child, our child, would mean it was more of a reason for both of us to make it out alive, for his or her future.

 

 

                “I wonder what’s taking her so long?” I mentioned over to Jariin, both of us taking sips of our Ale as we sat at a secluded table at the back of the Cantina.

“She probably got side tracked by something, or she’s helping someone out. She tends to do that pretty often.” Jariin answered back with no real concern, while continuing to watch the scene full of drunken people around us.

I hoped that she had gotten our com to meet us at the Cantina for a much needed drink that we sent over an hour ago. This was a final chance to wind down per say, before the possible impending doom that Revan constantly reminded us all was waiting out there, in the Unknown Reigns. I took another swig of my drink, wanting the taste of something stronger then Ale in my glass, but didn’t want to risk the chance of over-doing it. Worrying about her was something that never got easier.

                10 minutes later, I watched her pass through the entrance that led into the Cantina. The smile that had filled my face at seeing her quickly disappeared when I got a good look at her. To anyone else she probably looked completely normal, but I knew there was something wrong. Something she was hiding beneath the surface. She didn’t look hurt in any way, and her clothes weren’t damaged other than being filled with sand dust like everyone else. It took her a moment before she finally noticed us in the back corner, plastering a well believable, fake smile at us.

“Hey! You got our com! Carth here was getting worried about you. I swear he was about to have a heart attack just waiting for you.” Jariin joked loudly, throwing his arm over my shoulder, which made me chuckle at his always “bright attitude”. He definitely had the “life of the party” vibe about him. It helped keep the mood lighter when it needed to be, like right now.

“Sorry Boys. Thing went a little bit longer than I had anticipated, but all is good on my end.” Revan mentioned back, trying to match Jariin’s tone, but not quite being able to. I could see through her well rehearsed “everything is fine” attitude, which is why I was sure she was making a point not to look at me.

“We got everything covered on our end too Captain. Should we make our way back to the ship, or did you want to have a quick drink first before heading towards our death? I know you like to shoot back something strong before taking on a deadly mission.” Jariin pointed out, motioning at his glass.

I watched Revan shake her head in decline before explaining that she just wanted to get back to the ship, and get prepared to face the Emperor. I studied her face carefully. How her body jerked away at the mention of a drink. Something was **definitely** wrong. I only hoped that she wouldn’t keep it from me when I asked her about it later on when we were alone. Jariin and I both followed her out of the Cantina.  As we headed back to the ship, I contemplated what could have changed since we left the ship, just a few hours ago, till now to make Revan pull away, and go into herself again. I hoped it wouldn’t destroy us. _Again_.

_“I’m fighting for you, I’m hiding for you. But it’s killing me to love you”_


End file.
